I'm alive.

But barely.

I'm surprised to see I still have people checking in occasionally. I got lazy following my wife's leaving me, and I apologize. I'll probably continue to be lazy for quite some time, as she also killed herself recently. I wish that were a sick joke of some sort.

Anyway, I have about as much self-blame as you might expect (and I'm going to have to watch comments extra hard for haters, now, I'm sure), though on an intellectual level I know that's unreasonable because her mental illness predates her relationship with me by a wide margin. I still feel like if I'd been different, I could have saved her... but, so do a lot of other people close to her, so I'm in good company.

So, yeah. I will try posting here a BIT more often (difficult to see how I could succeed in posting less), but it'll likely be emo bullshit for a while. Or, maybe it'll be a good escape and I can blog about other things. We'll see. Continue reading this post...

Wow, shit day for me, I guess.

First the DSM-V promises to be a real pain in the ass of trans persons everywhere, and now my wife is leaving me. I can't say I wasn't expecting it, I guess... and I would probably leave her if she transitioned to living as a man, but it still sucks. My teeth are going to get ground down to nubs over this.

I guess this is the first price I'll pay for my transition, though. Ultimately, I still think it's worth it... but the sticker shock is giving me an ulcer. Continue reading this post...

Uh-oh.

Ken Zucker has been appointed to head up the Sexual and Gender Identity Disorders Work Group for the forthcoming DSM-V. As if putting a batshit insane gender boot-camp officer in charge of the project was not bad enough, he'll be joined by Ray Blanchard, who has gained much notoriety with the transgender community as an asshole who clings to an unwisely-generalized theory of autogynephilia as the key motivator of transsexualism based on approximately three data points (two of which are mere figments of Anne Lawrence's imagination), whilst preserving the integrity of his theory against the onslaught of disconfirming evidence by insisting that transsexuals who do not conform to his theory are simply lying.

Don't get me wrong. I'm sure it's an excellent theory that has to insulate itself from nearly all observational evidence in order to stay alive. I mean, even though it can't help but utterly fail to describe reality, it can be so very useful to someone like Ken Zucker, whose primary motivation seems to be pathologizing transsexualism so that he can shame youngsters into deep denial and gender sadness and call them cured! Surely, with a payoff like that, we can accept one itsy bitsy teeny tiny wee widdle overwhelmingly disconfirmed theory, amirite?

Give me a fucking break. But... no, no: these two clowns are in charge of shaping what amounts to the party-line of the clinical psychology community. This document that will influence the care of possibly tens of thousands of our brothers and sisters around the world. Our only hope is that the other members of the work group will successfully oppose the unfounded bullshit that Zucker and Blanchard will surely be pushing for inclusion. Failing that... I guess intelligent and compassionate caregivers will still have the HBIGDA Standards of Care to justify treatment... not that that's a perfect document either, but it's a damn lot better than the tripe Zucker and Blanchard are going to work to churn out.

Hat tip to a shining star of our community, Lynn Conway, for bringing me this terrible, terrible news. Continue reading this post...

I need to finish my work.

I'm seriously coming up on my deadline, but I JUST realized that the reason feminists kvetch over the "hard"/"soft" science distinction probably has something to do with erections, and how the "hard" (or, translated for those who've never seen a sociologist in a room full of physicists: "real") sciences are associated with erections, presumably because erections are so great and by the way, don't women suck because they don't have big, hard, swingin' dicks under those skirts?

Someone please let me know if I've completely missed the point. I already feel like kind of an idiot for not realizing it before, and therefore it would be truly hilarious if I'm still getting it wrong. Continue reading this post...

Damn straight.

Okay, I was feeling bad about my shoe-blogging the other day, and I even approached it with embarrassment. Well, Shakes has talked me right out of that. Why not go let her talk you out of it, too? Continue reading this post...

Not dead.

I just wanted to reassure my few readers that I'm not dead, and that I merely wish that I was. The end of the semester is no fun when every person and object in the world is trying to destroy your universe. I'll be posting with greater regularity soon. Continue reading this post...

When Ignorance Encroaches...

PZ has raised the signal, and it is the solemn duty of all reasonable persons to respond. It is imperative that, when looking for information on the film Expelled, you follow this link to the National Center for Science Education's counter-site for Expelled.

If you have a blog, you might also consider answering PZ's call to action. Continue reading this post...

Shoe post, just for depresso!

Okay, I wasn't going to post these, but since depresso asked, I feel that I must. Plus, I do really wanna.

These are pretty great, and versatile, too...

I LOVE these, but there are relatively few things I could wear them with. Maybe if I got a purse to match... but I shouldn't be spending money in the first place, much less MORE money to justify the previous money!
These are really cute, but I simply do not have the legs for them. Maybe hormones will decrease my calf size a bit...
And these... these are my favorite shoes ever. Ever. I would wear these with jeans or a bathrobe. I would wear these en homme, and everyone could kiss my ass! Damn it... I am NOT getting out my credit card.
Continue reading this post...

HRC sucks more than I thought!

Details here, here, and here, courtesy of Monica Roberts.

The basic gist: The HRC is so terrified by a handful of peacefully protesting trannies that they called the police to fence them in and intimidate them with horses.

Gosh, if only they'd released a statement letting us know they'd be so put out by any sort of opposition, I'm sure the protesters would have just stayed home and blogged about how we ought to wait our turn for employment rights. Continue reading this post...

Clinical Psychology and the Transgendered

I've found a lot of anger in the transgender community about the inclusion of gender identity disorders in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (Currently, DSM-IV-TR.) I can certainly understand this anger, but I feel that it is misplaced.

The argument from transgendered persons against inclusion in the DSM (Example here) is, primarily, that inclusion of gender identity disorders in the DSM only serves to marginalize and pathologize transgenderism. (Secondarily, there is concern over the narrow spectrum of transgender conditions described in the DSM.) While the inclusion of gender identity disorders in the DSM has been used by enemies of the tg-community to marginalize us (just as the early inclusion of homosexuality is still used to marginalize homosexuals), I feel that it has also done (at least some of us) a lot of good, by offering a clear treatment path (transition) in a respectable professional reference.

It would be a huge problem for us if a diagnosis of gender identity disorder were thought to indicate incompetence and constitute a justification for denial of elective surgical and hormoneal treatment. In fact, it is a problem for many transgender persons who feel that they exist somewhere between the binary genders. Failure to fulfill all the DSM criteria for gender identity disorder is often seen as a reason to deny referral to surgeons or endocrinologists, or even if said referral is obtained, it may be taken as a reason to deny treatment. This is a serious problem. However, the solution is not to excise ourselves from the DSM: the DSM provides psychologists and physicians with a justification for treating us. The battle we should be fighting is for the expansion of gender identity disorder. Transsexuals, transgenderists, intersexed persons, and even crossdressers should have access to treatment, if desired.* Besides, the only thing that is accomplished by denying treatment is driving people to unsafe alternatives. (If don't get my hormones by the end of July, you can be sure I'll get them by the end of August, one way or another**.)

So long as the indicated treatment for gender identity disorder remains transition, I don't see a big problem with gender identity disorder's inclusion in the DSM. My only complaint is that it's a slight linguistic fumble. The problem of concern to psychologists ought to be my discomfort with my physical sex: gender dyphoria. The real problem is that I seem to have been born with the wrong sex organs (and that they masculinized the shit out of my body!) GID's inclusion in the DSM can help me to fix that.

Even worse, there doesn't seem to be any benefit to be derived from removing GID from the DSM. What's going to happen? Churches will throw open the doors for us, employers will renounce their discriminatory practices, and our mommies and daddies will love us again, all because the new DSM says we aren't mentally ill? It hasn't worked so fantastically for homosexuals. Of course, homosexuals also had less to lose from having homosexuality removed. Last I heard, guys don't need a doctor's say-so to fuck other guys. If I want my penis inverted, though, I'm going to have to talk a (preferably very skilled!) surgeon into doing it. Without a diagnosis of some kind, that's gonna be really rough.

The final problem, however, with demanding GID's removal from the DSM, is that the indignance with which some transgender persons deny being mentally ill only serves to preserve the stigmatization of mental illness. Instead of arguing that GID isn't a mental illness and that it's insulting to claim that it is, perhaps the trans community should point to our transitioned sisters (and brothers) and say "Our illness is legitimate, and transition is the most effective treatment."

* Of course, I'm not suggesting throwing hormones at everyone who walks in asking for them... but in the absence of an alternative explanation for the request (ex. uncontrolled schizophrenia), and if the desire is persistent (a 3-month wait for hormones sounds reasonable, though I bristle at the restriction from two weeks in), I see no reason to deny anyone hormone therapy, or even surgery.
** I'd prefer to have a real, live doctor managing my hormones, so I can have some of the perks that come from seeing a real doctor... you know, clean pills, blood tests, prescription and dosage adjustments based on those blood tests... It's the little things, ya know? Guess I'd rather be a live woman than a dead one. But honestly, if dead is the best I can do...
Continue reading this post...

Oh, family.

My parents are flipping shit just a bit because of my plans to leave my current job. We talk on the phone at least once a week, and I never have anything to say, because most of what I have to talk about is related to planning transition, talking to people about transition, etc. That and what's on TV. (MILF Island is really revolutionary.) Consequently, I'm not a very interesting person to you unless I'm out to you right now. Sorry, Mom and Dad. Maybe if you'd given me the impression that you could handle this sort of thing, I'd be a little more interesting right now... and maybe I'd have transitioned at 13 instead of 25+.

On the upside, when I finally do come out to them, the leaving-my-job thing will seem positively minor... but I'm not doing that until I've spent some time on estrogen. (I think I'll better be able to deal with it then, since estrogen is supposed to really help with depression related to gender dysphoria... well, gender dysphoria in mtfs, obviously. Testosterone might be more helpful to ftms.) Continue reading this post...

HRC sucks

Sadly, I don't get paid to do analysis of this sort*, so I can't spend a lot of time digging up and calling attention to every problem with the Human Rights Campaign's Corporate Equality Index, but I stumbled on this one while researching potential employers*, and I just had to share with my readers (a broad constituency, to be sure.)

It's no secret that the HRC doesn't mind throwing standing on the heads of T's to raise up the L's, G's, and B's, but I thought that maybe their Corporate Equality Index could be of use (since, by its express methodology, it ought to be of at least limited use.) However, now it seems that trans persons are so invisible to the HRC that they don't even take notice when a corporation they are evaluating moves in a big way against our interests. What I am about to point out is not going to surprise anyone here, but no one is rubbing their nose in it, so I guess it's up to me.

The HRC's CEI rates each corporation out of 100 points, a composite of various criteria of LGBT-friendliness such as domestic partner benefits, express non-discrimination policy in place for both sexual orientation and gender identity, and seemingly a big one, "Employer exhibits responsible behavior toward the GLBT community; does not engage in action that would undermine GLBT equality." (page 9 of this report - PDF link) For this final criterion, the following note is included: "Employers found engaging in activities that would undermine GLBT equality will have 15 points removed from their scores."

Aetna Inc. is rated 100% by the HRC Corporate Equality Index, and apparently has been for six years! (page 22 of this report - PDF link) However, Aetna Inc., an insurance provider, consistently engages in an activity that seriously undermines LGBT equality, at least as far as the "T" is concerned. Here is a line, not uncharacteristic, from an Aetna health insurance policy: "The Plan neither covers nor provides benefits for the following: ... 25. Expenses incurred for, or related to, sex change surgery, or to any treatment of gender identity disorder."**

Now the actual SRS, I can almost, kinda, sorta, (but not really) see the justification for exclusion. It's definitely elective (evidenced by the fact that many trans women and men decide against genital surgery, and yet live very successfully presenting as their target gender.) However, it's also (in most locales) a requirement for legal recognition as one's target sex, so it seems that it should be covered by SOMEONE... but I can at least see that there's room for argument, there. However, this language also excludes expenses related to sex change surgery, and any treatment of gender identity disorder. So, you can have therapy for your depression if it's a product of marital troubles, a new physical disability, or even unexplained... but if you're depressed because you've somehow received the wrong set of gonads (surely, a mix-up that would ruin anyone's day)? Toughen the fuck up, Sally. The exclusion of expenses "related to" sex change surgery is even more troubling. If I have complications from my SRS (even months or years later), I'm out of luck. If a natal woman has a vaginal tear that gets infected (perhaps after a brutal rape), she can expect the insurance company to pony up the dough for treating that infection. However, if a trans woman has a vaginal tear (perhaps also after a brutal rape), I hope she likes medical debt, because that's what she's getting! After all, if she hadn't had that vagina in the first place, it wouldn't be torn and infected now, would it?

Surely, this sort of thing undermines LGBT equality. Of course, perhaps they got a pass on this one because they also exclude other perfectly reasonable and necessary procedures, including breast reduction, gynecal mastea (male breasts), tobacco cessation (you'd think an insurance company might like to encourage this sort of thing), and gastric bypass.

Goodness, I talk a lot. The point is, Aetna is batting 85%, at best.

* If you've a tranny-friendly job for me, please let me know! Especially if I can telecommute or you can make it worth my while to move! (I is edumacated!)
** I would love to provide a link to this document. Unfortunately, it would be devastatingly stupid for me to do so, as it would make obvious the identity of my present employer, which has very recently and explicitly opted NOT to include gender identity protection in its employment policy. Fear not, for I shall rub their noses in it quite vigorously the moment I have secured alternative employment!
Continue reading this post...

Holy crap, I'm such a girl.

I spend a lot of time looking at shoes and clothes, and everyone to whom I'm out spends a lot of time hearing about it. Sorry. I know you've all been girls for a long time, and you have other interests. So do I, I swear. I'm not a sorority girl. However, I'm going to seem like one for probably at least a couple of years. I have to go hyperfemme for a while. I've missed out on a lot. I missed out on growing up a girl, going to college as a girl, and now I need to accelerate my becoming a woman as much as possible. I've never been taught to wear makeup, I don't have an established style of dress, I don't have friends who know me as a woman... trying to make a woman out of a male history is a lot of work. I don't mean to make it sound like a chore: it's something I really want to do, and I'm excited to do it.

Anyway, I guess my point is, I'm probably going to become irritatingly feminine over the next few months, and I'll probably stay there for at least a couple of years. I'm sure I'll mellow, but in the meantime, I want to pack in as much of a young-womanhood as I can before I hit 30.

In summary, I really, really want like four pairs of shoes from Frederick's right now. I just can't justify it, though, since I'm not even leaving the house en femme, yet. Hopefully by the end of summer I'll at least feel like I'm looking good (female) enough for an occasional night out. Continue reading this post...

A day out

Today was pretty rough.

I've been finding little ways to practice feminine behaviors, and transgressing in public, in preparation for actually presenting as female. I practice feminine walking as I walk across campus, studying the movement and posture of both men and women along the way, trying to find what I need to change. It seems like a lot of trans women really overdo the hip-swinging, and that's probably partly to make up for our naturally narrow hips... but if you actually do some people-watching for a little while, you'll notice that a lot of ciswomen have narrow hips, too, and they don't knock themselves over trying to compensate for that with additional hip-swinging. I think the best way to examine the difference between male and female walking is to walk directly behind some men and women (one at a time, naturally) and watch the footwork. You'll notice that women tend to walk with their feet relatively close together, and their toes pointing a bit straighter, but still slightly outward. (Heels change the equaton, making the toes point slightly inward, and making each foot actually cross over beyond the "center line".) Men, in contrast, tend to walk with their feet wider apart, and pointing outward even more.

This is not surprising, as it's well-documented that men routinely take up more space than women in nearly all situations. However, it is kind of interesting to realize that the key to "feminine" behavior is to make yourself as small as possible. Keep your arms in, cross your legs knee-over-knee instead of ankle-over-knee, sit with knees together. It's not purely physiology, either, because these generalizations seem to hold steady across a wide range of body types. Even mousy little men take their full measure of space and more, and even hulking amazon women seem to cram themselves into as little space as possible. I'm curious as to what creates this difference. Are women trained to take less space than they naturally would, or are men subconsciously (or, sometimes, consciously) exerting their social dominance by taking more space than they really need for comfort? I'm inclined to assume that it's a combination of these two factors, but I'm still interested to learn how much is one and how much is the other.

Should feminists be encouraging women to colonize the space that is rightfully theirs, or berating men for carelessly invading space that ought to be better-shared? Likely, both. Women should spread out and take some space on the bench, and tell men to take their fucking elbows back across that fucking invisible line that separates my space from yours. This highlights a serious dilemma for the trans women, however. If we want to be perceived as female, we have to work hard to adopt feminine behaviors, most of which got to be feminine precisely because they're an outgrowth of male domination. Most of us do not transition in pursuit of oppression, but transition from male to female is largely about learning to comport oneself as basically a subordinate. If a trans woman is to be perceived as a woman (and not merely as a non-man, which is remarkably easy), she must toe the line. In this regard, ciswomen have it easy: they may transgress the boundaries in a variety of ways and still be readily recognized as women. But for a trans woman concerned with being perceived as a woman, these little behavioral cues can, if she's not careful, serve as one more clue to her birth sex. This makes transition bittersweet. We who have acted like men for our entire lives and can take it no longer find ourselves having to act like women. That only increases the drive for surgical modification, especially facial reconstruction...

There's much more to say, but I'm tired of talking about that.

-----

I've been finding small ways to transgress, like sticking my toe into a pool of water to test the temperature. I proudly brandish my pink-and-purple mp3 player case, I cross my legs in the feminine style (very comfortably since losing weight, I might add), I buff and shine my nails... It's kind of terrifying. I've lived with male privilege so long, and I've also lived with the reality that it's a remarkably easy thing to lose. Listening to certain music, wearing certain colors, moving a certain way, talking a certain way, or even having certain opinions can all chip away at your rank in the boy's club. (Don't believe me? Watch how openly-feminist men are treated by other men.) So, all of these things I am doing to transgress gender boundaries (some of which are not new) are a way of weaning me off of male privilege. Finally, I'll leave home with breasts and a skirt, and I'll be even lower than a woman in the male hierarchy. I'll be in that place in early transition where one tries to present as their target sex but is still readily recognized as a biomale. (Jennifer Boylan calls this stage 1, "Man, that dude looks weird!") I am not looking forward to this stage. It's almost as if it's a built-in way of experiencing a lifetime of sexual oppression (harassment on the street, fear of violence and rape) in a period of a few months. A trial by fire for the trans woman.

I fear the trial by fire, but at the same time I am anxious to begin. When I show my mp3 player, when I cross my legs, I find myself with two strong, mutually exclusive wishes in my heart. The first is to pass unnoticed by all, to simply get away with it. The second is to be called out, and to respond with strength. "Yes, my mp3 player is pink and purple. Stick your gender enforcement up your ass, and call me Claire!" For now, my first wish is consistently granted. I can only hope that by the time it is not, I will have found the power to fulfill the second. Until then, I dip my toe into the cold water, millimeter by millimeter, and dream of diving in.

---

I finished my day out with a brief excursion to the mall. I needed a new file block for buffing and shining my nails, and another to replace my wife's, as I've thoroughly ruined it. I walked through the mall, looking in all the windows. Just as I've always done, I looked at the shoes in the windows, and wished I could go in and try them on without reprisal, looked at the mannequins and wished I could wear those jeans, that blouse, or that lingerie as well as it did. (I understand that even ciswomen are susceptible to this second wish.) However, there is a renewed urgency in my longing, now that it seems within reach. I'll get there.

Finally, I reached the bath & body works, and went looking for the file block. A saleswoman came up, asked what I was looking for, and took me to it. I'd thought that I was passing as a man on an errand for his wife (even throwing in a carefully measured pause as though I had to remember what I'd been asked to pick up), but then she started in with the hard sell. "Oh, we have complete mani/pedi kits right over here, and these products normally priced at 15 dollars each are now 2 for $20." I guess she noticed my nails were already buffed to a bright shine. So, I rolled with it and looked through the stuff. I didn't get anything else, though. Maybe next time.

---

On the downside, I feel like my wife hates me. Every time I try to talk to her about this stuff, she either shuts down or gets angry, saying that I'm just bringing it up to make her feel guilty for not immediately accepting me. That's not true, or at least if it is I'm not conscious of it. I am trying to back off and give her the time she needs to think, but there is a certain urgency to the situation. She's always wanted to have her own, our own children. If she decides to stay with me, this is probably still in the cards, and if so, I need to bank some sperm before I start hormones. I'm not asking for a promise to stay with me, I'm just asking if it's even worth preparing for the possibility. I guess I'll just have to back off a little more, and if I don't manage to get any indication from her before June, I'll have to make the decision to bank or not bank sperm based on my expectations at that time, and my own feelings*.

* I'm perfectly comfortable with adoption. If I could carry a child, I might prefer that to adoption (the thought of giving birth was and is terrifying, but the thought of SRS puts it in perspective... not that giving birth is a possibility for a trans woman with our current medical science), but contributing just doesn't seem that important to me. It's not as if I have any really strong genes I want my children to share... I'd have died 20 times over before adulthood, without antibiotics and a sanitary surgery.
Continue reading this post...

First Post

I am a 25 year old mtf transsexual, and this is the blog I created primarily, to document my transition experience for other mtfs and miscellaneous interested parties, and secondarily to engage in political discourse.

Early on, I won't be offering a lot of details, because I have not yet come out as a trans woman to everyone I know. Obviously, it is foolish for me to start a blog under these conditions, but I expect that by the time anyone tracks me down by the scant details available via this space for the purpose of outing me, I shall have already come out to everyone of consequence. And, if not, feh. They've gotta find out sometime.

I suppose most people's first question upon visiting this blog would be, "Hey, what's with the blog name?" This is easily answered. Most of my friends and I share a peculiar sense of humor, and I've lately come out as a trans woman to several of them. One in particular asked me if I'd come up with a name, yet. I told him I was leaning toward "Clarissa." At the end of our conversation, he bid me goodbye with the line, "See ya later, Clarissa Explains No Balls!"* While some trans women might be offended at that, the nature of our friendship is such that we say horribly offensive things to one another at every opportunity. Therefore, I was rolling on the floor, and I was also greatly relieved: relieved because I knew then that he was totally ready to accept my change, and that our friendship could be preserved.

In the interest of keeping track, I should note the current progress of my transition. I have thus far come out to my wife and a few emotionally-close-yet-geographically-distant friends. I have also given my wife leave to discuss this with people she trusts not to blab it all over town before I am prepared. Other than that, the only people who know are my doctors and my therapist.

I have not yet had any negative reactions, and, in fact, most of the people to whom I've come out have been rather unsurprised. The notable exception to this latter generalization is, of course, my wife. She doesn't yet know if she's going to stay with me. While I hope that she will, I cannot reasonably expect it. For now, we're just playing it by ear.

At this time, as far as physical transition goes, all I've done is some body hair removal (including DIY electrolysis.) I expect and hope to be prescribed estrogen and an anti-androgen in early July, about 11 weeks from today.

I guess that'll do it for the first entry. If you're interested, bookmark me, and don't be shy in the comments! (Unless you're an asshole and/or griefer. In that case, scram! Disagreement and argumentation is welcome, but mindless proselytizing, hatred, stunning ignorance, advertising, and indecipherable writing, including non-english writing**, will be promptly and unapologetically deleted.)

* A reference to the hit 1990's Nickelodeon show, Clarissa Explains It All.
** Sorry for the anglo-centrism, but English is the language of discourse here. If you're going to say something in another language, at least include a rough english translation. I do know bits and pieces of a couple of languages, so I'll be watching to make sure it's at least a good-faith attempt at translation, and hopefully my other commenters will give me a heads-up if someone posts a comment in an unfamiliar (to me) language and provides a disingenuous translation.
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